We've explored the trials and expense of servants, as well as advice for a mistress determined to keep her servants in line. Fans of the series Downton Abbey will also have their notion of what happened in the servants' hall. But none of those view the master-servant relationship with quite the caustic wit of essayist, novelist, poet, and cleric Jonathan Swift (1667-1745). His satiric "handbook" Directions to Servants, published in 1731, was one of his last completed pieces, and reflects what must have been a life-long trial with servants. Below is an excerpt:
"The general place of rendezvous for all servants, both in winter and summer, is the kitchen; there the grand affairs of the family ought to be consulted, whether they concern the stable, the dairy, the pantry, the laundry, the cellar, the nursery, the dining room or my lady's chamber; there, as in your own proper element, you can laugh and squall and romp in full security.
"When any servant comes home drunk, and cannot appear, you must all join in telling your master that he is gone to bed very sick, upon which your lady will be so good-natured as to order some comfortable thing of the poor man or maid.
"When your master and lady go abroad together to dinner, or on a visit for the evening, you need leave only one servant in the house, unless you have a blackguard boy to answer at the door and attend the children, if there be any. Who is to stay at home is to be determined by short and long cuts, and the stayer at home may be comforted by a visit from a sweetheart, without danger of being caught together. These opportunities must never be missed, because they come but sometimes, and all is safe enough while there is a servant int he house.
"When your master or lady comes home, and wants a servant who happens to be abroad, your answer must be that he is but just that minute stepped out, being sent for by a cousin who is dying.
"If your master calls you by name, and you happen to answer at the fourth call, you need not hurry yourself; and if you be chided for staying, you may lawfully say you came no sooner, because you did not know what you were called for.
"When you are chided for a fault, as you go out of the room and downstairs, mutter loud enough to be plainly heard; this will make him believe you are innocent...."
The nightmarish print, above, is by Thomas Rowlandson (c. 1807) and illustrates another passage from the Directions, offering this choice advice for footmen:
"If you are bringing up a Joint of Meat in a dish, and it falls out of your hand, before you get into the Dining Room, with the meat on the ground, and the sauce spilled, take up the meat gently, wipe it with the lap of your coat, then put it again into the dish, and serve it up; and when your Lady misses the sauce, tell her, it is to be sent up in a plate by itself. When you carry up a dish of meat, dip your fingers in the sauce, or lick it with your tongue, to try whether it be good, and fit for your Master's Table."
One of us -- 
11 comments:
Too funny! But then this is the same man who advocated cannibalism to ease the burden of the Irish poor. Swift is something else!
Got to love Swift. However--there were more than a few people in the British lit class I took at a local university a couple of years ago who didn't understand that A Modest Proposal wasn't supposed to be taken literally. Can you imagine if they had been servants in the 18th century? One can only hope that they would have been illiterate. :-/
Would definitely make me think twice about eating if the meat was too clean or naked! ;o)
Swift's satire is matchless, thanks for sharing it. BTW there's a typo "... and all is safe enough while there is a servant int he house ..."
Theo, though this is a satire about servants, I suspect it probably also applies to many modern restaurants- that old adage about never looking in the kitchen!
Brie & Lauren, my daughter had to read "A Modest Proposal" in her high school English class, and almost all of the kids accepted it as fact. After all, it was written by a doctor a long time ago, right? Right??
CrescentMan, considering that I'm currently in the last stages of deadline delirium for a new book, only one typo isn't bad. :)
Swift was a character! What a fun read. I like your blog and have enjoyed looking around a bit. I found another site you might like, HEARTH, though some of the information might be more modern than your time periods. You can read my post about it at http://nancysfamilyhistoryblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/hearth-tuesdays-tip.html.
What was the name of Swift's servant? There is a plaque with his name on it in Saint Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin, but if you know the answer it will save me a trip there. If you don't know, I'll go and tell you later.
Never mind. I serendipitously came across it in The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, D.D.: Dean of St. Patrick's ..., Volume 2:
“He had a servant well known to all his friends by the name of Saunders; an appellation given to him by the dean. ... He had him buried in the south aisle of his cathedral, where he erected a monument to him in a small piece of statuary marble, with this inscription:
“Here lieth the body of Alexander Magee, servant to Doctor Swift, Dean of St. Patrick’s. His grateful master caused this monument to be erected in memory of his discretion, fidelity, and diligence, in that humble station. Ob. Mar. 24, 1721, etat. 29.” (original draft “His grateful friend and master”)
In folk tales attached to Swift, his servant is usually called "Jack".
can someone help me with understanding direction to setvants, I don't get the satire, what is it about
Need help immediately
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